Disagreement between colleagues, neighbors or family members is not only inevitable, it is actually healthy. If conflicting views were suppressed by one or both parties, it is quite possible that the best resolution to a situation will be overlooked and at least one party will feel frustrated.
However, all too often disagreement not only identifies differing viewpoints, but it also harms relationships and polarizes the two parties. The secret is to disagree agreeably. I highly recommend Marshall Rosenberg’s wonderful book on Nonviolent Communication (NVC). It is a way to communicate with greater compassion and clarity. It focuses on two things: honest self-expression — exposing what matters to oneself in a way that's likely to inspire compassion in others, and empathy — listening with deep compassion. Rosenberg tells us that everything a human being does (whether benign or hurtful) is an attempt to meet that person’s human needs. NVC postulates that conflict between individuals or groups is a result of miscommunication about these needs, often because of coercive language or manipulative language (e.g., inducing fear, guilt, shame, praise, blame, duty, obligation, punishment, or reward).
The nonviolent method suggests a three-part process:
To observe without evaluation, judgment, or analysis,
To express feelings which these observations evoke,
To express needs connected with these feelings.
An optional fourth step is to make a specific request of the other person to help meet an unmet need and to enrich the life of everyone involved. Essential in this is that the other person is to be left free to honor or decline the request.
Now let’s look at some scenarios and some other resources at our disposal.
The word “no” has an important place in language. For example:
Would you like another cup of coffee? Answer: No
Did you finish writing your blog post? Answer: No.
These are fact-based items for which the person being asked has a definitive answer.
But many times “no” is used to respond to a request or a statement of opinion rather than a question. Under those circumstances the “no” can carry with it a sense of judgementalism and a tendency to make it appear that one person feels the other is not important or absolutely wrong on the subject in question. That harms relationships and can cause escalation of the discussion into a full-blown argument. Examples:
Person 1: It seems to me that if we are going to control COVID-19, the schools need to be completely closed until a vaccine has been widely distributed. All children should be schooled over the Internet.
Person 2: No! Children need to be in a social environment in their schools. And parents need to work and cannot babysit their kids every day.
Person 2 Alternative: The protection of our children from COVID-19 certainly is important. But we also should consider the impact on their social development when they are isolated through distance learning and on the needs of parents.
Person 1: I think Biden will make a great president for the US.
Person 2: No! Trump was a great president and Biden will try to undo all the good things Trump did over four years.
So what is the solution? Try using softer language which acknowledges that each party has a right to their own viewpoint. Some examples:
I see it differently….
I understand why you feel this way, but ….
You make some good points. However,….
It has been my experience that ….
The Internet has some great resources on disagreeing agreeably. You may want to read this paper from Essential Communications or listen to their podcast (link on the same website). https://1drv.ms/b/s!AteZNhbKPk6EsrMuKfwJ0tLQfUrz1A?e=tb3sUY
Another good resource is from realsimple.com. Read it here: https://app.getpocket.com/read/761774103
It takes practice to consistently use nonviolent language. Correct yourself when you slip and learn from your mistakes. The more emotional you are about a topic, the more likely you will slip. That is when you need to be most diligent.
Always remember that every communication conveys information and defines relationships.
- Herb