Sometimes I find myself coaching a client who need to change a habit. I never talk about breaking a habit because the only safe way is to replace one habit with a better one — hence changing.

There is a poem I like to ask my coaching clients to read and think about that you might also find self-revealing. It was written by Portia Nelson (born Betty Mae Nelson, May 27, 1920 – March 6, 2001), an American popular singer, songwriter, actress, and author. She was best known for her appearances in the most prestigious 1950s cabarets, where she sang an elegant repertoire in a soprano noted for its silvery tone, perfect diction, intimacy, and meticulous attention to words.

In 1965 she portrayed the cantankerous Sister Berthe in the film version of The Sound of Music; she also had a minor role as Sarah in the musical Doctor Dolittle; on TV's All My Children Nelson played the long-running role of nanny Mrs. Gurney. Her book of poetic musings, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery, became a mainstay of twelve-step programs.

Here is the poem I find so enlightening.

I WALK DOWN THE STREET (A poem in five chapters)

1.

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

3.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

4.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5.

I walk down another street.

― Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Read it a few times and reflect on what it tells you. Then invite someone you care about to also read it, after which you can have a nice discussion.

Here is another quote from the same source:

“I don’t know what I want sometimes, But I know that I want to know what I want. I know that once I know what I want I will be able to get it. Of course, I may not want what I get when I get it …. But, at least I’ll know I don’t want that! Then, I can move on to something else I don’t know if I want. That’s progress!”

Herb