An excerpt from my diary of a global traveler

A friend who is also an intercultural trainer coach from America spent a number of years living and working in Germany. Because she was trying to teach Germans about American communication behavior, she applied a technique which surprised many of the Germans that she worked with. When she would get a phone call from a German, the other party often began by plunging into the topic at hand, for example “I called to ask you some questions about next Tuesday’s seminar.” Her answer would be “I’m fine thank you, and how about you?” That would be a pause and you could imagine a light bulb going off in the mind of the other party who would reply “Oops. I forgot again.”

Americans expect that telephone conversations begin and end with something of a more personal nature. Sometimes it about the weather or recent past or upcoming holiday. It should be personal and it should be of a positive nature. The ending of the phone call should express future hopes and the anticipation of the next contract that the two of you will have. For this reason, Americans go out of their way to remember personal details about the people with whom they have important business contacts. Here are a few typical examples of phone conversation starters:

· Hi John. Its Herb. Did you have a nice Fourth of July?

· Good morning Sally. I hope you’re finally getting some mild spring weather.

· Hey Tim. How did your son do at his high school track meet last weekend?

The ending of a phone conversation often sounds like the following:

· Thanks for all the help Brad. I sure hope that sometime this year we`re going to get to over here to see our operation in Frankfurt. Meanwhile don’t hesitate to call me if I can help you with anything.

We often think of this as a conversation sandwich. The important part is in the middle but don’t forget the bread, that shows your care and concern for the other person. And we see the same thing happening in emails. If you haven’t been in touch with the person you are writing to for some days or weeks, opening and closing paragraphs that show care and concern can be very important. Of course if emails are going back and forth hot and heavy, these personal remarks are unnecessary. And conversely, if it’s been an extremely long time since your last contact with the person to whom you are writing, an even more extensive personal section may be in order.

As long as I am talking about emails, permit me to remind you that the email is a terrible medium for trying to resolve problems. The frustration builds up while waiting for response can result in an escalation of negative feelings which do not contribute to open-mindedness. But beyond that, the written word lacks so many of the Nuance’s that we communicate as we speak. These are they with our own employees, how we pause before or after certain words and by our body language. Even humor and sarcasm can be misunderstood when the medium of communication is the written word.

So I strongly urge that for the most positive and speedy resolution any sort of the disagreement, nothing beats face-to-face. But when that is impossible, telephone should suffice. The correct role for an email is the summary of the agreement that was made when you and the other party spoke so that there is a permanent record of what was discussed and agreed. And be particularly careful if you are about to dispatch a harshly worded email. Anger, frustration and disappointment can cloud our judgment in the short-term. But in most cases, when the send button is pressed, your message is on the way and it will be delivered where it will always be remembered.

That is not the way it was before the personal computer came along in the late 1980s. I remember dictating memos into a small tape recorder which my assistant then transcribed and returned to my desk for signature. Over time I came to notice that whenever the memo I dictated was harsh or unusually critical, it only came back to me for signature the next day. Usually in such cases I had cooled down enough that I decided to edit it. When I returned to my assistant for a second typing, I usually remarked about my change of heart as I apologize for giving the work. She often smiled and said, “No problem. I thought you might want to make a few changes.”

Words can hurt and destroy. But they can also build relationships and motivate people. Choose them carefully.

Herb